I spend more time looking for the right porn video then I actually spend fapping.
Calories are so cheap and plentiful where I live, that I have to waste energy by burning them off in the gym.
Even after 11 years, every time I say, "its hot in here." someone still suggests I take all my clothes off.
My health is so impeccable, I have to fake my sick days.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so now I'm alone with my wife and two children.
I can't text while laying on my side because my phone automatically rotates
My garbage disposal eats better than 98% of the world.
I lost my phone, It's on silent.
I couldn't get close enough to the correct spelling of a word for spell check to recognize it
My Car is too old to have an input for my IPod, but too new for a tape adapter.
I don't get MLK Jr. Day off
None of my ex-girlfriends have gotten fat yet.
My new neighbors are a hot lesbian couple but my walls aren't thin enough
I occasionally need to take off my slippers because my feet overheat in their soft fur lining.
I ran out of bar soap and had to use my wife's body wash but didn't read the label and now I'm in the office unable to identify what type of fruit I smell like.
I can't close my wallet with all of my money in it
It takes more time to make a PB&J sandwich than it does to eat one.
Some guy was using the middle urinal.
A piece of popcorn is stuck at the back of my throat and no amount of tongue probing will make it move.
Despite multiple attempts, the shit stain on my toilet bowl isn't coming off by pissing on it.
One earphone just died.
I don't make $57,000 a day and I still pay 15% in taxes
The seat next to me on the airplane is empty, but I'm in first class and the arm rests don't go up.
I had to press "2" to continue in English.
I made eye contact with another guy whilst eating a banana.
I won Superbowl tickets so now I'm going to miss the commercials.
My boyfriend lasts too long in bed.
The soda machine wont accept 20 dollar bills
My life's been way better since I deleted Facebook but now I can't rub it in everyone's face
- My smartphone changes "lol" to "LOL" making me sound more amused than I actually am.
- I had too much food for lunch and now I'm tired
- I forgot to bring my phone with me when I went to poop and I was bored the entire time.
- It is almost 2012 and we still don't have printers that can successfully cancel jobs.
- I took a fake shit at work ten minutes ago to play on my smart phone but now I actually have to shit. Now everyone is going to think I have Diarrhea.
- When I put my spoon into my empty pudding cup, it tips over.
- I was filling in a form online and they didn't put "United States" at the top of the country drop-down.
- My children and I are cold and starving. Guess I'll get up and turn down the ac once the pizza guy gets here.
- I want to read in the bathtub but I'm afraid my book would electrocute me.
- One click on my mechanical pencil isnt enough, and two clicks is too much.
- My smartphone auto-corrects "shit is legit" to "shit is legitimate", severely reducing my street credibility.
- Sometimes a .gif doesn't download very fast and I have to look away until it is finished so i don't spoil it.
- My hand is too fat to shove into the Pringles container so I am forced to tilt it.
- The music I listen to is too obscure to find a torrent for so I had to buy it
- I parked my Lexus in cement and everyone is taking pictures instead of helping me.
- I printed out a 200 page doc, threw it away and reprinted it on two sides so people wouldn't think I waste paper.
- s03e12 downloaded faster than s03e11
- The 3rd world child I am sponsoring is ugly.
- The gay couple who moved in next door are not as comically flamboyant as the gay people on TV. It's like they're not even trying.
- My parents are too rich to get me any need-based scholarships, but too poor to pay for college without them.
- The Domino's Pizza Tracker is not working. Now I don't know when to put my pants on.
- Textbooks don't have control-F.
- One pillow is too low, but two stacked is too high. (self.firstworldproblems)
- My mom makes us clean the house BEFORE the cleaning ladies come so that they don't think we're dirty.
- A turn wasn't sharp enough to turn off my car blinker.
- I hit 'dismiss' instead of 'snooze' so now I have to actually wake up
- I can't watch the Steve Jobs tribute video on CNET from my iPad because it requires Flash.
- I'm good with computers and my whole family knows it.
- I don't have enough dip for my chips, but if I open another container, I won't have enough chips for my dip.
- Something just beeped, and I have no idea what.
- I finished my small cup of yogurt and am too lazy to wash the spoon. The only logical place to put the dirty spoon is in the finished yogurt cup, but the cup is slightly too short to support the spoon and it falls over. ALWAYS.
- The alarm on my phone tells me exactly how little sleep I'm going to get whenever I set it.
- I was out of extra virgin olive oil, so I had to cook my breakfast with slutty olive oil.
- Everyone rubs my pregnant girlfriend's belly, saying, "Congratulations!", but nobody ever taps my balls and says I did a good job.
- I want to masturbate, but I just masturbated.
- I accidentally clicked iTunes and had to wait 2 minutes for it to open before I could close it again.
- With my full-time job, I don't have enough time to play all the video games I own.
- There was no more Kleenex in the bathroom at work so I had to blow my nose with paper towels like a savage.
- A bunch of hippies are outside my NYC office bitching about how much money I made last year.
- Google maps hasn't driven by my house since I repainted and landscaped.